I was born in 1965, the eldest of two girls, in a small town
in south central Colorado. It is one of
the spots on the planet where you are surrounded by magnificent, awe inspiring
and impossible not to acknowledge beauty.
I would say in that locale we were middle class. Differing levels of wealth were not really
acknowledged as far as I can remember. In
retrospect, I see that most of the time I spent there we lived just above
subsistence levels. These circumstances
allow me to appreciate what money can buy and also appreciate at what cost to
the environment and nature it comes.
The social climate of the time focused a great deal on the
conflict in Vietnam, racial equality and the women’s liberation movement. In the year I was born Malcolm X was
assassinated, Martin Luther King, Jr. marched from Selma to Montgomery in
Alabama and the nation was awash with anti-draft and pro-peace rallies. These events effected huge social changes
across the country and while I was not aware of them specifically at the time,
their repercussions were noticeable in my life.
Both of my parents had attended the local college and
received degrees; my mother a bachelor’s in social work and my father two
bachelor’s degrees, one of education and the other of physical education with
minors in psychology and biology and a master’s of education. They were both the first in their families and
the only in their generation to attend and finish college. Education and the pursuit of knowledge was
highly prized and rewarded by my mother and my father. I was taught to use logic at an early age, to
defend my position and to question everything.
My mother was the middle child of three and the eldest girl.
Her mother was half American Indian, although that was a fact that was hidden
to the best of their ability. Both her father and her grandfather were severe alcoholics and my grandmother divorced my grandfather while my mother was still quite
young. My mother was raised LDS, but
rejected the church when she married and left home. She embraced the social changes of the time,
rejecting the traditional roles held by women.
She was a pot-smoking feminist hippie intellectual, and one of many that
I grew up around. I was taught to accept
and respect all races, those with differing sexual orientations and those from
other cultures. She was beautiful, but always so much more than that. She was an over achiever, responsible,
reliable, powerful at home and at work, and an excellent provider without being
a servant to her family as my grandmothers on both sides had been. There was a noticeable shift from patriarchal
to matriarchal in the family dynamic between my mother’s generation and my
grandparent’s generation. My mother was
everything I wanted to be and I have endeavored to emulate her in most aspects
of myself.
My father was the town hero; he was all state in every sport
he practiced, which was highly revered. He
was a teacher and football coach, which took a great deal of his time and focus
away from home. He also spent a significant amount of time drinking and playing
pool when he wasn’t busy with his teaching and coaching obligations. There was constant fighting between my
parents while they were still married and for a long time after. He was smart, loving, selfish, unreliable,
neglectful and inadvertently cruel. My
father took because he was a man, because he could; not because he earned what
he received in terms of family. He was a
liar and a thief and I loved him. I
admired him and still do. His frequent
betrayals hurt me deeply. I learned that
we all have failings, I learned to forgive and take what is valuable in
relationships and leave the rest.
I moved to Amarillo, Texas at the age of seven and then
Dallas at the age of eleven. Both of
these provided some culture shock. Then
at age thirteen I moved to a small suburb of Dallas, which was much more like
the small town I was born in. I was a
good student, an athlete and a cheerleader.
It was at the age of fourteen that my mother, my sister and I found a
church that we embraced. I attended this
church and it was a big part of my life all through high school. God and spirit were always a part of our
family discussions, but it was there that I really started to explore my personal
spirituality and what it meant to be a spiritual being. My view of the scope of reality expanded
exponentially. My church was Christian,
but also included many eastern religious teachings and teachers. I embraced the concepts of karma and
reincarnation; they seemed to make sense of the suffering in the world and in my
own life. I was given many labels during
this time but none of them really defined me, some I rejected outright. I never fit neatly into any box; there was
always a part of me that stuck out incongruently.
I graduated high school and started college at the age of
seventeen. I left campus a little after
a year later but continued attending community college and working until I was
twenty-seven when I had my second child. Even though I am a mother it does not define
my life. I was afforded the opportunity
to stay home with my children. I never
aspired to the traditional female role of “homemaker”.
I have lived in many different cities and states, each with
their own social norms. I lived in
Europe and travelled there which caused me to seriously reexamine my beliefs
about what “normal” is.
As I have grown older and my experience of the world
broadened beyond my immediate family social circles, I learned through
observation that hypocrisy is rampant; there are lies and liars
everywhere. The media is a propaganda
machine predominantly influenced by corporations and government. I learned to constantly look for the truth
beyond the picture presented because almost nothing can be taken at face
value. The alternative media sources now
available on the internet have made this much easier. I have learned to trust my own evaluations of
what is “real”. This evaluation is ever
changing and I am filled with a curiosity about life, how it works and how
everything fits together.
I have been strongly influenced by science, particularly the
science of quantum physics. While I have
no particular expertise in the matter I am able to grasp the basic concepts,
which appear to contradict many previously accepted explanations of the
parameters of our physical reality drastically.
It seems that the physical and the esoteric meet on the quantum level.
There have been times in my life I wished to be complacent
enough to embrace those ideas that were accepted by the majority of people around
me, but made no sense in my mind. It seemed that life would be easier if I fit
in with my peers in that way. I think it
has been a blessing and a curse to be able and willing to see, that which is
beyond what is presented as truth. I
have often thought of the Bible passage, “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye
your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn
again and rend you." Matthew 7:6. I consider my truths my pearls and they are of
great value to me. Unfortunately I have
had the lesson in this passage illustrated to me on more than one occasion in
my life. As a result, I am guarded about sharing my
opinion in many cases and very discriminating when it comes to allowing people
into my intimate social circle.
I see that I am very much a product of
my concentric social circles. I feel
grateful for all of the lessons I have learned and unlearned in respect to my
socialization. While socialization
allows us all to live more harmoniously together, it is those who buck the
system that create necessary change. The
most important lesson I take with me is the understanding that I don’t know
everything and what I do know will always be changing. I trust myself to make those evaluations and
no other. At my current age of 48, I no
longer have much inclination to please others, except to the extent it serves
my objectives; whatever they may be.
My facebook feed is filled with the most profound wisdom captured in snippets, usually accompanied by a relevant photo. Each meme a piece in a giant puzzle, filling in details and fleshing out the "ideal" perspective. One thing I realized recently, that has been missing from the stream, is the idea that wealth is always a matter of perception. This realization came to me when I went to visit someone who perceived themselves to be VERY wealthy. 
